I began to walk down the road less taken, wondering if the cool calm could somehow douse the flames that burned my insides. I felt numb, yet I felt the pain- tearing, clawing at my heart, like a monster; shredding it into a thousand pieces so I couldn’t put it back together.
I wanted to give in, I wanted to retract into an empty shell, and emerge only when I could feel no more.
I kept moving on, yet asking myself if I ever could. I heard something rattle inside, and realized it was my own broken soul.
I wanted to scream, to let someone know I was dying, but my voice, too, had deserted me. Lonesome, I walked on the lonely road; I felt my vision blur. Thinking, this was the end, I welcomed it. Then something wet slid from my eyes to my cheeks. And the illusion of the end was shattered with another wave of anguish.
I collapsed in a heap, and more tears came. My body shook with gasps, I heard more rattling, as though everything inside me was broken, and was screaming to get out of the hell my body now was.
Blurred images flashed before me. Memories I cherished, whisked pass. I tried to hold on to them, afraid to let go, to forget what little I had left. But the monster feasted on my agony, still wanting more.
I lay there, shuddering and gasping until I was truly numb. I felt nothing. I was afraid to move, lest the rattling awoke the slumbering monster.
I wanted to think, but nothing made sense. I lay there unmoving for how long, I know not; maybe it was a few minutes, maybe hours.
My numb brain made me rise. I heard no rattling, but I felt empty. There was still that clawing unease. I felt myself moving forward, now taking in my surroundings- a desolate path, flanked on either side by trees, and at this time of the year, with yellowing leaves. It was then I realized that my pain, or my heart, which I could no longer feel, had brought me to my favourite place.
Another flashback. This time I could see more clearly. It was as though a film played. I saw myself laugh, I saw myself cry, I saw myself fall, and get back up. All the random moments from my life, yet somehow, they all made sense.
I heard a huge rumble and the light dimmed. Alarmed, I looked around, and saw there were clouds overhead. It began to rain. And I stood there, still feeling nothing, feeling empty.
Then came those memories, that I was forbidden to remember, but terrified to forget. They whirred past, yet I could see each one of them clearly. It was as though yesterday... the joy, the laughs, the moments, the feeling of eternity... everything was still fresh in my mind.
I knew pain would return and this numbness wouldn’t last. I knew I had to stop the direction of my thoughts. I did nothing. I played those moments over and over in my head till I was drenched to the skin. I realized I could feel again.
There was the hurt again, but there was also something else, an acceptance. I still wished I could turn back time, but accepted that I couldn’t. I wished things were back the way they were, but accepted that they couldn’t be. I had thought that nothing could go awry, but accepted that I had been wrong.
Through it all, I realized that I would rather suffer than the fact that it had never happened. Feeling the pain could never match the joy I had felt earlier when things were better. It wasn’t going to be easy, to get on with my life; with that large hole inside me, and the fact that thinking even about the happy times would hurt. It would be hellish. But the sheer fact that it had all existed once, had been blissfully real, would be my corner stone.
It was never going to be the same again, that, I knew. But as I saw the rain, felt the drops hitting me, drenching me, I knew that I was not weak. I knew I could get through it all. It would be hard and slow and painful, but I could.
The memories, the moments, the warmth, I would always cherish. Trying to forget them was not what I was going to try to do. I was going to wait for the time when thinking about it wouldn’t hurt any more.
The rain slowed down and the sun peeked from the clouds. Far up ahead the path, were hills. And beyond them was the most beautiful, most heavenly rainbow I had ever seen. It was very faint, but it was there all the same. I sat down, with my back against a tree and watched the rainbow, until the sun was fully out, and it disappeared.
I rose and took one last look at the serene rain washed landscape. Inexplicably, I smiled. And I knew, that nature- the rain, had helped me heal. It had helped me figure things out, things that took people a lot longer to comprehend. It had made me feel. It had made me think. And difficult as it was going to be now, life had to go on, and me, with it.
I turned my back towards my favorite place and took the first step, to go back, to cherish, to move on...
****************************************************************************************
This has to be on e of the weirdest things I've ever come up with. Inspiration... the rain- its simplicity, its charm, its beauty, its magic...
I wanted to give in, I wanted to retract into an empty shell, and emerge only when I could feel no more.
I kept moving on, yet asking myself if I ever could. I heard something rattle inside, and realized it was my own broken soul.
I wanted to scream, to let someone know I was dying, but my voice, too, had deserted me. Lonesome, I walked on the lonely road; I felt my vision blur. Thinking, this was the end, I welcomed it. Then something wet slid from my eyes to my cheeks. And the illusion of the end was shattered with another wave of anguish.
I collapsed in a heap, and more tears came. My body shook with gasps, I heard more rattling, as though everything inside me was broken, and was screaming to get out of the hell my body now was.
Blurred images flashed before me. Memories I cherished, whisked pass. I tried to hold on to them, afraid to let go, to forget what little I had left. But the monster feasted on my agony, still wanting more.
I lay there, shuddering and gasping until I was truly numb. I felt nothing. I was afraid to move, lest the rattling awoke the slumbering monster.
I wanted to think, but nothing made sense. I lay there unmoving for how long, I know not; maybe it was a few minutes, maybe hours.
My numb brain made me rise. I heard no rattling, but I felt empty. There was still that clawing unease. I felt myself moving forward, now taking in my surroundings- a desolate path, flanked on either side by trees, and at this time of the year, with yellowing leaves. It was then I realized that my pain, or my heart, which I could no longer feel, had brought me to my favourite place.
Another flashback. This time I could see more clearly. It was as though a film played. I saw myself laugh, I saw myself cry, I saw myself fall, and get back up. All the random moments from my life, yet somehow, they all made sense.
I heard a huge rumble and the light dimmed. Alarmed, I looked around, and saw there were clouds overhead. It began to rain. And I stood there, still feeling nothing, feeling empty.
Then came those memories, that I was forbidden to remember, but terrified to forget. They whirred past, yet I could see each one of them clearly. It was as though yesterday... the joy, the laughs, the moments, the feeling of eternity... everything was still fresh in my mind.
I knew pain would return and this numbness wouldn’t last. I knew I had to stop the direction of my thoughts. I did nothing. I played those moments over and over in my head till I was drenched to the skin. I realized I could feel again.
There was the hurt again, but there was also something else, an acceptance. I still wished I could turn back time, but accepted that I couldn’t. I wished things were back the way they were, but accepted that they couldn’t be. I had thought that nothing could go awry, but accepted that I had been wrong.
Through it all, I realized that I would rather suffer than the fact that it had never happened. Feeling the pain could never match the joy I had felt earlier when things were better. It wasn’t going to be easy, to get on with my life; with that large hole inside me, and the fact that thinking even about the happy times would hurt. It would be hellish. But the sheer fact that it had all existed once, had been blissfully real, would be my corner stone.
It was never going to be the same again, that, I knew. But as I saw the rain, felt the drops hitting me, drenching me, I knew that I was not weak. I knew I could get through it all. It would be hard and slow and painful, but I could.
The memories, the moments, the warmth, I would always cherish. Trying to forget them was not what I was going to try to do. I was going to wait for the time when thinking about it wouldn’t hurt any more.
The rain slowed down and the sun peeked from the clouds. Far up ahead the path, were hills. And beyond them was the most beautiful, most heavenly rainbow I had ever seen. It was very faint, but it was there all the same. I sat down, with my back against a tree and watched the rainbow, until the sun was fully out, and it disappeared.
I rose and took one last look at the serene rain washed landscape. Inexplicably, I smiled. And I knew, that nature- the rain, had helped me heal. It had helped me figure things out, things that took people a lot longer to comprehend. It had made me feel. It had made me think. And difficult as it was going to be now, life had to go on, and me, with it.
I turned my back towards my favorite place and took the first step, to go back, to cherish, to move on...
****************************************************************************************
This has to be on e of the weirdest things I've ever come up with. Inspiration... the rain- its simplicity, its charm, its beauty, its magic...
