August 21- Just one of those days

Just one of those days when you feel like everything that happened today, has happened before. Maybe it has, on one of these days a while ago, Did it? One of those days, when the pattern and order of things is familiar, that just means something; and despite all the randomness, there feels a connection to the past and to the future which makes the present how it is. One of those days when I am just thinking about what this means, that this is too familiar to be coincidental, or if this means something at all.

One of those days when I am trying to write something small and inconsequential before the clock strikes midnight, marking the next day, just so I can preserve the feeling that has been there all of today. One of those days when there's nothing to express really, just a feeling of familiarity, of emptiness, of questions unanswered and of wishful thinking.

One of those days when I am just thinking about things past and the things that are to come. One of those days when I am thinking about today, wondering if all this thinking and brooding is just a waste of time, or does it actually mean something. Maybe it will mean something in the future.

There are times when I will or just do something or not do something, thinking that maybe, just maybe I will have a chance of retelling it in the future, maybe then it will have some value and it will actually make sense to someone. It is sort of like, setting up a fixed deposit in the bank. You won't be able to use the money but it will reap returns some time down the line.

But what if, say, the bank gets robbed? Or there's a change of plans and you have to withdraw that cash. Then all that was for nothing. So, what if doing all those things is some silly teenager-ish exercise? What if it is something that I will look back on in the future and laugh about? What if I had just spent that cash instead of saving it?

What if.

Two words that can probably drive you insane. Any which way, it's not like I can help it. Some you learn, some you grow, some you change, and some of you still stays. So I will continue to think and do these things and continue to wonder if they will mean something in the future. Will they mean something to me or to someone else? Maybe they won't, to anyone. I couldn't tell, no matter how hard I tried.

You know how they say that there are some parts of our life that are written in sand, and so they are washed away easily by the ocean, and there are parts written on stone, that we always remember, always carry with us and they stay for life? They may be people, memories, advice, lessons we learn..anything. Here's the thing- when you are writing these parts, or living them (or whatever), you don't know whether they will make it to the stone or if they are just part of the sand that the ocean washes away after a while. 'Cause even the part on the sand stays until the next wave, the only thing that is different is the time between the waves that wash it away.

So maybe, I will never really know my sand and stone until I become a part of the ocean itself. Time has the ability to distort and strengthen anything and everything. Yet, there are things that time has no effect upon. You can never tell which is which, unless there's a situation where you know that today is your last day and you can actually analyse every aspect of your life and that's when you can be like, "AHA! I have answers to every one of my life's questions now". Sadly, that doesn't happen.

This is such a random piece of writing. But it had to come out somewhere and somehow, 'cause maybe, just maybe this day will mean something. Maybe it has meant something. Maybe this is stone and maybe this sand. Maybe today would become the one day instead of being one more where I thought a lot and wrote things that didn't make sense. I don't know. I wouldn't know right now.

One day at a time, is all I can really do.

This is the first write up that's going to go up completely unedited, completely impromptu, completely honest. Just one of those days.

Irrationality

Logic and belief,
Sense and sensitivity,
Emotions and sensibility,
Options and choices,
Hard work and failure,
Odds and Success.

To be better than you,
Or to compete with myself?

Rationality
It is the the set order of things. It is what makes sense. It is to have a plan. It is what has been tried and tested. It is cliched and it's genius. It's the obvious thing to do. It has a reason to all questions questioning it. It is a calculated calculation. It is defined and definite.

Irrationality
It is unpredictability. It is what upsets the known pattern of things. It is the stupid thing to do. It doesn't have the answer to the question of "Why?" It is the unknown, the unsettling, the unsafe.

It is what boggles the mind. It is what forces you to think. It is what moves you to push against everything, no matter what the odds.

It is your gut feeling. It is "just knowing". It is making that split second decision. It is taking a chance when you know you haven't got any.

It is taking that dirt road and befriending a stranger. It is doing things on whim. It is going that extra mile. It is doubt and uncertainty.

It is to be in the moment. It is to go with the flow. It is to be careless. It is to be carefree. It is to let go.

It is waiting when you know that there's nothing to wait for. It is staying when you know there isn't a point. It is taking the fall even when there is no one holding a safety net.

It is the miracle where there wasn't any hope. It is believing a sweet lie when you know it isn't the truth. It is loving without limit and reason. It is hurting without complaint.

It is giving in to depths whose bottom you cannot see. It is feeling things that leave you numb, bursting, and breathless. It is to let yourself break, to be made again.

It is to be vulnerable. It is to be afraid.

Irrationality... It is to trust. It is to have faith. It is to believe. It is to venture into the unknown. It is not knowing. It is to do things that could go horribly wrong and turn out just right. It is to understand in silence and to communicate with eyes. It is to love and to forgive. It is opening yourself to feelings that can tear you apart. It is that feeling of "not feeling right". It is that feeling of "something's wrong".
It is to wait for the right moment and it is to be instinctive. It is to push yourself, and discover extremes you didn't know you had. It is that emotion that words can't explain and it is to give in to the passion that will leave you gasping!
It is everything unreasonable, everything beautiful, everything illogical, everything brave, everything that is a mistake and everything that is miraculous.

Irrationality.
It is everything natural. It is everything human.

OK, yes it's a mistake. I know it's a mistake, but there are certain things in life where you know it's a mistake but you don't really know it's a mistake because the only way to really know it's a mistake is to make the mistake and look back and say 'yep, that was a mistake.' So really, the bigger mistake would be to not make the mistake, because then you'd go your whole life not knowing if something is a mistake or not. And dammit, I've made no mistakes! I've done all of this; my life, my relationship, my career, mistake-free. Does any of this make sense to you?"

- Lily Erikson

How I Met Your Mother