Uninspired

There are those times in life when you feel like the days have just become a part of repetitive cycle and there is not much inspiration around, or you are just too uninspired to look for it.

I have been feeling like that for a while now. How did I get here?

Not that there is not enough for me to do; there is. Tonnes to do and time is running fast. Yet, all I feel right now is lethargy. There are emotions that come and go in a way that has become too familiar - and not in a good way, laughter that sounds forced and conversations made just to avoid awkwardness. There is a bitterness that has crept in and a distance within myself, and from myself. It makes little sense but sometimes I do not recognize me. 

Change is inevitable. Change may be good or bad but I have not seen the good kind of change happening for a long time. The times that I have let myself believe it happened, it has not lasted. It makes me wonder if I can do things that I am endeavoring to do - if I can be one of those focused, brilliant people, people who are so DRIVEN no matter what to get where they want; or at least find themselves in a place they are meant to be.

There are two sides to everything and we are merely people walking on a tightrope, trying to find a balance while tipping a little to the right and sometimes to the left along the way. Of late, it seems that every time I think I am tipping towards one of the sides or finding a balance, it never stays long enough for me to wrap my head around it. It is absolutely exhausting. Sometimes I think I should just close my eyes, take the free fall and see where I land, but I cannot find the courage to. There is always something or the other holding me back to the same draining routine.

I have known and heard that "this too shall pass", but that does not seem to be making the 'passing' any easier. It would just be a relief to be able to two steps in the same direction without the world beneath my feet spinning. It does not spin long enough for me to get used to it and fall into a trance, and it does not stay still for long enough for me to get used to its solidity. My feet seem to be on a precarious, teetering precipice and nothing stays long enough for me to get a grip.

I wish I could just close my eyes and fly, fly long and high enough for me to make revel some exhilaration that would come with the cadence of the rise and fall of the flight. 

I wish I could sink into the feeling, indulge in it and forget myself and my reality just for some time; for long enough to feel some inspiration to start over with myself.