When the Playlist is on Shuffle

"So I'm trying to put it right

'Cause I want to love you with my heart

All this trying has made me tight

And I don't know even where to start"

...

"Drinking our cheap bottles of wine,

Sitting talking, up all night,

Saying things, we haven't for a while

A while, yeah"

...

"Thoughts read unspoken,

Forever and now

The pieces and memories,

Fall to the ground 

I know what I did, 

And how so 

I won't let this go 

'Cause it's true,

I am nothing 

Without you" 

Music and rhythm

Lyrics and words,

They are

All you. 

Every line is a memory

Every note is an emotion

Every beat is my heart

With yours

All of it

Is you.

"Still setting two plates 

On the counter,

But eating without you"

All the habits,

Everything done,

Without thinking

Now make me

Do the same.

Music

Poems

Chocolates

Perfume

Coffee

Sunlight

Rain

Autumn leaves

Everything beautiful to me

Mirrors you.

"Cause if one day you wake up

And find that you're missing me,

And your heart starts to wonder

Where on this earth I can be,

Thinking maybe you'll come back here

To the place that we'd meet,

And you'd see me waiting for you,

On the corner of the street.

So I'm not moving,

I'm not moving."

Stubborn

With a blindness

Fearing

A loss

Living

In a place

Where I'm dreaming

Holding on

To nothing

Or maybe

Just not giving up

On something

Invisible

To me.

"In the middle of September,

We still play out in the rain

Nothing to lose,

But everything to gain,

Reflecting now

On how things could've been,

It was worth it in the end"

Silence and laughter

Happiness and tears

Sight and speechlessness

Sound and beauty

Learning and understanding

Living in and falling out 

Confronting and escaping 

Constant and Changing 

Seen 

Felt 

Done 

It all. 

"If I could change the currents of our lives 

To make the river flow where it's run dry 

To be a prodigal of fallen time 

Then I 

Would see you tonight 

If I could find the years that went away, 

Destroying all the cruelty of fate, 

I must believe that love could find a way 

Tonight" 

Wondering, 

Thinking, 

Wishing, 

And knowing. 

And smiling, 

Still 

For reality, 

For beauty, 

For hope, 

For love. 

"Looking back, it was worth it all

All the promise and all the pain

No there’s not one thing I would change

Now that it’s gone, all there is to say-

Thanks for taking my breath away"

Looking out for 

Something 

Down the broken road 

Somewhere 

I can't see, 

Yet. 

"We're smiling 

But we're close to tears, 

Even after all these years

We just now got the feeling 

That we're meeting 

For the first time" 

I'm glad animals aren't humans

This goes for all the animal lovers.

Isn't there something very endearing about animals? Pet owners will be able to relate with their pets, wildlife workers to what they are working for and animal lovers in general will agree. There is something so utterly uncomplicated and simple about them that you will not find in people. 

Me? Well. I've never had pets, but I've always wanted to. But I did make do with the strays we usually ignore on the streets. The filthy, diseased, savage, uncivilized creatures. Yeah that's the general conception of more people than you think. Even some people who would otherwise like dogs/animals. Yeah I've mixed around with them, literally bringing up litters of stray puppies; not forgetting the older ones around of course.

Why am I suddenly talking about all this? Because my kid brother and I just had a whole discussion about having a pet and dogs in general. He has wanted one for a while and so have I ever since I've been old enough to make sense of the word "dog". No, I'm not harping or exaggerating. Seriously.

It is just so EASY to love an animal. They expect nothing but a little love and care. And they don't even "expect" expect it. They have an innocence and primitiveness that's so hard to find as you grow up- in yourself and in the people around you. The kind that.. makes you smile for no reason. They are children at heart no matter how much they grow up, and they are your best friends even when they are children.

Now. People? Well, we are the most intelligent and advanced species on the planet, though we may be the young ones taking into account the Earth years. But we're so COMPLICATED! There's emotions, expectations, obligations, grudges, I-can't-explain, it's-complicated, I-can't-do-this-anymore, How-could-you-do-that, love, hate, more-than-love, less-than-hate! And all this is IN ADDITION to all the instincts and needs that we have as creatures. 

Animals? They're simple. And in that simplicity, they aren't devoid of their own pain and feeling and happiness. No, it's not just pets and domesticated animals that I am talking about here. There have been people who have had close relationships with lions and tigers, with dolphins and killer whales, with pandas and bears. About these- they are never exactly advisable or safe because everything said and done, these animals are BASIC. Driven by instinct. And they have a wilder streak than the usual pets. But the fact remains that they are just as capable of bonding.

Now this is something very typical to me and I don't know if it's crazy. :|

There is SOMETHING about me and the non-human species (read, animals). There is something that I feel when I am with a dog, a cat, a rabbit or even a mouse (yeah I've held and played with all of them) that no person has ever been able to give me, and I doubt they will. There is a sense of peace and pure untainted joy and content just lighting up my insides. And I may be distraught over something but when there's an animal to play with, watch, hold or pet, nothing matters. Absolutely nothing.

And this isn't just limited to the usual pets that are there. Animal Planet has always been a favourite. I bet most people haven't even heard of Jeff Corvin, Attenborough. Steve Irwin is still heard of. And taking from them, I've always wanted to interact and know more about the wilder animals. Specially animal behaviour. But let's not get technical here

Here's something even crazier. When I grow up, if I can, I want to have an Asiatic lion, a Bengal tiger, a panda, a cat (who would, preferably, look like Garfield), two big dogs, and white mouse with pink eyes (they DO have pink eyes!). Everyone says I should go live in a zoo and there have been times I have actually considered it. Yeah, OKAY! I get it. You're scandalized. 

All of these are inspired by something.
The Asiatic lion- by this movie I saw- of a couple taking in an injured

cub and take care of it and then release it into the wild. Time passes and one day they go to visit him, wary of the fact that he might attack them. What the lion did was, he reared on two legs and hugged the man, so to say. Yeah I got a lump in my throat.

The Bengal tiger- I remember seeing this on Animal Planet. A man who actually had Bengal tigers and him playing with them and bathing with them. They behaved like playful cats.. only they were huge. But it was so cute!

The panda- They're just so CUDDLY! And they seem so docile and there's something about the way they eat. Sitting up and chewing the leaves. Holding it in their round, furry fists. Don't you just feel like running into their laps and hugging their round, fuzzy tummies?! And yeah I loved Kung fu Panda too.

The two big dogs- Well. I have wanted a dog BADLY and since I have had none of my own.. wait, that's not completely true. The strays I brought up, fed and played with everyday WERE my own. But I want to have my "own" own. And I want two. And two big dogs. And yes I cry at the end of every dog movie. sigh.

The cat- Cause they're so mysterious. And curious. And I am curious too. And I want to prove that cats and dogs aren't necessarily mortal enemies. and Garfield was so AWESOME.

The white mouse- This, one of my relatives had one. Yeah he had pink eyes and he was so beautiful! Like a little white ball with pink eyes and a pink tail. So small that he'd fit into your hand and then he'll play and crawl in your lap and at some uncomfortable places too. But hey you gotta be careful with a pet that small! It ain't really his fault.

Sometimes I really feel that I'd be happier around them animals. But that wouldn't be completely true. Everyone needs a little thinkering once in a while. And for that, sadly, you need HUMANS. you can't run away from your own kind, man.

Eh.. I'd probably just be able to get two dogs at most but there's no harm thinking about it right?

But I'm glad animals aren't people.
Relief.

Thinking Back and Forth

So. It's been a while. Three years or so? Yeah. It's funny I still remember this blog. So I've decided to come back to writing. 'Cause this head needs some dumping and cleaning. 

Life's changed a lot. Looking at the previous posts, I come out to be a sadly emo person. I dunno about that. But life happens. And I'm three years older now. Not to mention, legally an adult. 

Speaking of which, what's the big deal about being eighteen? Sure you can vote and drive and you're an ADULT. Agreed that sounds big and important and grown-up but, what exactly is the whole fuss about? 

You get out of the cage, only to realize a little while later that it was HOME. You meet new people, you're out in the world, and then you realize that you're on your own. You have lesser restrictions and more freedom but then you miss the fussing sometimes. Yeah. I'm talking about moving out and into college. 

College is just starting to become fun. The initial half was so uneventful, it felt mechanical. I thought, hell, is THIS what they go gaga about?” Oh my god, COLLEGE!”? Sorely disappointing. 

But now that I can actually feel and accept the difference between school and college, and the smaller city and the larger one, my past life and the present one.. yeah! I am actually starting to warm up to it. I know more people than I did in the beginning, but I'm closer to even fewer, which actually feels nice. A bunch of crazy, dramatic humans I call friends. And yeah, it's now that I can REALLY mean it when I say we're friends.

In the last six months, there is so much that I have learnt. And about myself, no less. A few observations.

• That i'm really rigid towards change- which isn't convenient, because it's the only constant thing in life.
• That I tend to get too attached without realizing it, be it places, people or just THINGS that have meant something- which means I am bad at letting things go, even though I may have accepted them.
• That I'm clingy.
• That stuff that would usually have hit someone right in the head, hits me slowly and hits me later. Impacting no less though. Which has.. both pros and cons.
• That I miss home. Like a lot. And contrary to most people, I felt homesick after a while (read, a few months) of living here and not immediately. And I still do.
• That I'm not actually as open minded as I thought- and I have some very strong opinions about certain things. Which before college, I thought I didn't. 
• That it's fun (and important) to hang out with friends. :D Not that I didn't before.. but there's just something that's different. And it always turns out to be fun- even if you have ten jobs to do or you are absolutely jobless.
• That you can ALWAYS get better at being a friend, no matter how good you are.
• That you HAVE to let go of things when they are just not meant to stay. No matter how much you believed that they always will. That includes people. It's a very difficult acceptance, but just as important.
• That fear can give you wings, but it can also make you blind. And it’s not very pleasant when you realize you’ve been a fool who thought she was blind just until she opened her eyes.
• That you often take YOURSELF for granted, which is basically not very smart, given that you change with every new thing life shows you.

That I have actually grown in ways small and big.

And that I just made a LIST. a BULLETED one no less. About my thinkies. Yeah that's the stuff I come up with. Sigh.

So. Yeah. That's about it for now. My head feels lighter already.

And I shall try to be regular this time in my posts. No, REALLY. I will.