Patterns

Have you spent evenings that turned to nights and then days where all you could do was read meaningless internet articles to feel some semblance of relatability to the rest of world? Have you ever felt hollow emptiness when the words blurred screen flickered into darkness like your eyelids because exhaustion made them too heavy?

It's been close to four months since I last wrote something. And even though the words have been creating a prickling itch in my palms for the last couple of weeks, I've just run away from this ultimate form of confrontation with myself because I hate confrontation with the people I care about. I care about myself. I care about the people I love. So I run, I run from them and I run from myself, I bottle it up and I seek refuge in animation films that I've already watched. I seek fleeting comfort in a listicle which will make a point that I temporarily relate to. 

Patterns. They are everywhere. Maybe they had always been there, and it is now that I have begun to notice them. Patterns in the people I choose to keep close, patterns in the people who hurt me, and how they hurt me, patterns in my coping mechanisms, patterns in relationships and how they turn out that I wish didn't exist - but they do. 

Someone told me it was karma, because it seemed too much of a coincidence that people in my life had such similar life stories. Someone said it was the cultural baggage we come from. We will all have these back stories, these disagreements with our parents, these scarring experiences by the time we are in our mid-twenties. That's why we relate. Someone said, "It's just your luck. Accept it."

Have you ever, solitude-lover, felt afraid to unlock your bedroom and step out alone because you felt crushing loneliness on the inside? Have you realized how unfair it is to make one person your rock and put the entire weight of your expectations on their human shoulders, because the sets of shoulders that shared those burdens dwindled one by one? 

Have you felt an alienation so deep that you want to crawl out of your skin and reverse the life events that led to this moment? Have you ever wanted to reverse every single memory you hold close because right at this minute you couldn't give a rat's ass about all those people who made it so special because you don't seem special enough to them right now? Are they fucking blind? Or are you expecting too much? Have you tried distracting yourself with work and failed miserably? Has the vast music collection you pride yourself on failed you too because all those thumping beats and lilting melodies made you feel nothing?

Distractions. That is what it has come down to. Lame, sad, pathetic distractions. Browsing hours, reading screens and choking about woes of 90 minute lives of cartoon characters because they seem so much nicer than their real life counterparts. Exposition-conflict-resolution. Simple. A happy ending. Box after box of tissues which reek of deja vu even though there's no such tragedy seems to have struck. Get some half-hearted work done, because hey you're too cowardly to say "fuck you" to those goddamn deadlines.

And guess what? That's a pattern too. 

Dear future dog

Dear future dog,

I know this will mean nothing to you because you will not be able to read this. Humans haven't quite figured out a way to communicate in the same language as you, which is a shame; otherwise I swear I would have translated this to you. But I promise you that the fact that we speak different tongues will never make you feel like I don't understand you. I know it will be difficult initially but trust me, we will figure out a way eventually. 

I am 21 years old as I write this and will soon turn 22. I have been very confused as a person about what I want to do in life and what I want to be but there is one thing I have been sure of for years now - you. I know love is not enough as much as we'd want it to be. So I am just waiting for the time when I have enough space, finances and time in my life to give you the best care that I can.

Now see, I know you are going to give me sleepless nights sometimes. I know you will have mood swings too. I know we will antagonize each other plenty in the time that we are together. I don't expect our relationship to be a bed of roses or a happy box of treats because it will be as real as any other relationship. I know being with you will be like having a child and though I will be much older than you when we are together, we will grow together, I promise.

You know there have been so many times I have thought of you, thought of who you will be and what quirks and pet peeves you will have. I have had so many conversations with... um, I guess they'll be your ancestors? Cause, well, you aren't born yet. So yeah, I have had so many conversations with your ancestors in the two decades of my life I have seen so far. And so, I promise you language will never be a barrier between us. I will tell you all about my day and you can tell me how much you've missed me (or not missed me). I swear I won't push you away if you lick my face. I know it's your way of expressing yourself and I think it's beautiful. 

You know I hate waking up early in the morning. So far, my family, my friends and so many others have tried to inspire me to change that part of my lifestyle. They have failed. MISERABLY. I think I know why. Perhaps, you are meant to change that about me, because I know we will go for lots of walks together. I promise you will not be a mere plaything, a sad source of entertainment. I will walk with you, talk with you and cuddle with you too. Oooh and, we will watch films together. I swear I will hug you every time you get jumpy because of a scene in the film. I won't stop you when you run around barking and chasing your tail when you're excited. Well, unless you are about to knock something down. And I will treat you with your favourite food every birthday of yours. Unless you're allergic to it. Then we will figure out something else. But we will celebrate your birthdays with new toys and games and food and quality time. I promise.

There will be times when I may be gone but I will never leave you in untrustworthy hands. And I will always come back to you. I promise I will give you as much as you give me, if not more. You will have a friend in me, not a mistress. We will have our own little private jokes and tricks. I will let you be naughty and I will scold you when you are too naughty. I know you will let me know when I am not doing my bit too. You will never be in want of love and attention as long as I am there. 

We will grow together. I would watch you become who you grow up to be. We will understand what we need from one another and when.  I will never, ever put you in harm's way. And I know we will take care of one another, in our own little ways. 

You may fall sick sometimes and so will I. But I will NEVER abandon you, no matter how difficult it gets. You could have patchy fur, or be half-blind, three-legged or injured (although I hope you are not, for your own sake, not mine) - I will be there with you till the very end, no matter how much it hurts. I could move across seven oceans, I could be broke for food or money - but I will never let you go. 

You see, I will not see you as an animal. You will never be my 'pet'. You will not just be my companion.  Blood isn't the only thing that forms bonds, you know. You will be my family. And I will be your constant, ALWAYS.

PS. You may have had a difficult life when I meet you. You may have had to fight for every morsel and you may have watched your brothers and sisters die, or may have fought them to establish yourself in the dog eat dog world that would have been your home. You will probably have a darkness within you that stems from the apathy and cruelty meted out to you by creatures that I wish had half as much love as your kind do. You will probably have wariness etched too deep in your scars. But that's okay. I won't judge you and I will love you and all of your scars anyway, with all of my heart and more.

Love,

Your future friend

A different kind of chaos

You fluttered in like breeze and I felt you - through the strands of my hair and the gaps between my fingers. Ironically, the reason you stood out to me was how I was always aware of your presence without really sitting up and taking notice. I don't quite know how you managed that. Was it the infectious calm you exuded? Was it the unbelievable and infinite amount of patience you seemed to possess? Or was it just your aura? I can't put my finger on it.

Everything was still in place. You see, about a year ago, I had a plan. It was not one of those plans that we make every thirty-first of December and forget after the hangover the next morning. It was a serious plan with experiential roots. I was so sure I was going to see it through because I actually happened to like the routine it induced for once in my life. I still did not know what I wanted but I had a much clearer idea about what I did NOT want to do. My plan was rock solid.

Then my rock solid plan turned into a house of cards. And a breeze is enough to make it tumble; you don't really need the wind. As all my carefully arranged spades and hearts cascaded around me, I finally sat up and took notice. Still, I told myself, "You know what, I can make room for this. Everything is still going to be organized, just realigned." And so it was... for a while.

You know how triggers hide in the most inconsequential places? You can rid yourself of all the mirrors in the house, but your reflection could still find you in a clear dew drop on a chilly day. On a certain late evening, on an unexpected detour, circumstances were assigned and aligned and the trigger was pulled. With a silent shot, the last of the mirage that was my plan lay there in smithereens along with my denial. You had stirred up a storm and I was swept right off my feet.

Caught in the tornado, I had to confront the chaos that had crept (not swept) into my life. Words seemed to teeter at the edge of my tongue, refusing to form into speech. Heart beat fast, knees gone weak, thoughts caught in a web of my own confusion. I stood there - shocked and dumbfounded. You, you spoke your mind and my own was in a mess. 

But you know what? There was something about standing amidst all that wreckage that gave me hope. Hope, that I had told myself was gone from my life for a long time. Hope, that I had made myself believe I did not need. And here it was, shining at me through the eye of the storm, enveloping me in its warm glow.

It wasn't some divine intervention or an epiphany. It was you. 

You were the breeze, you were the storm, you broke my plans but most of all, you made the chaos seem okay. You grew on my skin like a vine and made me burst into colors I could only imagine. My waves were choppy and you were unwavering. You were the anchor that kept me grounded. Your essence painted me in hues that made mine come alive.

So, if you think I am going to tell you that you made it all fall into place, that it all makes sense now - you are wrong. 

You are my chaos. My world doesn't revolve around you but if you let go, it will cease to revolve. I don't need you around all the time, but your prolonged absence gives me a constant ache. You give me so much hope that I am afraid it will break me. You are not my everything, but everything seems so much brighter with you. My life won't stop without you. My heart will not stop beating. But walk away and it will merely go on. 

If this is not chaos, then I don't know what is. And you know what? You can wreck as many of my card houses as you want because I will build as many more with you.