A different kind of chaos

You fluttered in like breeze and I felt you - through the strands of my hair and the gaps between my fingers. Ironically, the reason you stood out to me was how I was always aware of your presence without really sitting up and taking notice. I don't quite know how you managed that. Was it the infectious calm you exuded? Was it the unbelievable and infinite amount of patience you seemed to possess? Or was it just your aura? I can't put my finger on it.

Everything was still in place. You see, about a year ago, I had a plan. It was not one of those plans that we make every thirty-first of December and forget after the hangover the next morning. It was a serious plan with experiential roots. I was so sure I was going to see it through because I actually happened to like the routine it induced for once in my life. I still did not know what I wanted but I had a much clearer idea about what I did NOT want to do. My plan was rock solid.

Then my rock solid plan turned into a house of cards. And a breeze is enough to make it tumble; you don't really need the wind. As all my carefully arranged spades and hearts cascaded around me, I finally sat up and took notice. Still, I told myself, "You know what, I can make room for this. Everything is still going to be organized, just realigned." And so it was... for a while.

You know how triggers hide in the most inconsequential places? You can rid yourself of all the mirrors in the house, but your reflection could still find you in a clear dew drop on a chilly day. On a certain late evening, on an unexpected detour, circumstances were assigned and aligned and the trigger was pulled. With a silent shot, the last of the mirage that was my plan lay there in smithereens along with my denial. You had stirred up a storm and I was swept right off my feet.

Caught in the tornado, I had to confront the chaos that had crept (not swept) into my life. Words seemed to teeter at the edge of my tongue, refusing to form into speech. Heart beat fast, knees gone weak, thoughts caught in a web of my own confusion. I stood there - shocked and dumbfounded. You, you spoke your mind and my own was in a mess. 

But you know what? There was something about standing amidst all that wreckage that gave me hope. Hope, that I had told myself was gone from my life for a long time. Hope, that I had made myself believe I did not need. And here it was, shining at me through the eye of the storm, enveloping me in its warm glow.

It wasn't some divine intervention or an epiphany. It was you. 

You were the breeze, you were the storm, you broke my plans but most of all, you made the chaos seem okay. You grew on my skin like a vine and made me burst into colors I could only imagine. My waves were choppy and you were unwavering. You were the anchor that kept me grounded. Your essence painted me in hues that made mine come alive.

So, if you think I am going to tell you that you made it all fall into place, that it all makes sense now - you are wrong. 

You are my chaos. My world doesn't revolve around you but if you let go, it will cease to revolve. I don't need you around all the time, but your prolonged absence gives me a constant ache. You give me so much hope that I am afraid it will break me. You are not my everything, but everything seems so much brighter with you. My life won't stop without you. My heart will not stop beating. But walk away and it will merely go on. 

If this is not chaos, then I don't know what is. And you know what? You can wreck as many of my card houses as you want because I will build as many more with you.