When the Playlist is on Shuffle

"So I'm trying to put it right

'Cause I want to love you with my heart

All this trying has made me tight

And I don't know even where to start"

...

"Drinking our cheap bottles of wine,

Sitting talking, up all night,

Saying things, we haven't for a while

A while, yeah"

...

"Thoughts read unspoken,

Forever and now

The pieces and memories,

Fall to the ground 

I know what I did, 

And how so 

I won't let this go 

'Cause it's true,

I am nothing 

Without you" 

Music and rhythm

Lyrics and words,

They are

All you. 

Every line is a memory

Every note is an emotion

Every beat is my heart

With yours

All of it

Is you.

"Still setting two plates 

On the counter,

But eating without you"

All the habits,

Everything done,

Without thinking

Now make me

Do the same.

Music

Poems

Chocolates

Perfume

Coffee

Sunlight

Rain

Autumn leaves

Everything beautiful to me

Mirrors you.

"Cause if one day you wake up

And find that you're missing me,

And your heart starts to wonder

Where on this earth I can be,

Thinking maybe you'll come back here

To the place that we'd meet,

And you'd see me waiting for you,

On the corner of the street.

So I'm not moving,

I'm not moving."

Stubborn

With a blindness

Fearing

A loss

Living

In a place

Where I'm dreaming

Holding on

To nothing

Or maybe

Just not giving up

On something

Invisible

To me.

"In the middle of September,

We still play out in the rain

Nothing to lose,

But everything to gain,

Reflecting now

On how things could've been,

It was worth it in the end"

Silence and laughter

Happiness and tears

Sight and speechlessness

Sound and beauty

Learning and understanding

Living in and falling out 

Confronting and escaping 

Constant and Changing 

Seen 

Felt 

Done 

It all. 

"If I could change the currents of our lives 

To make the river flow where it's run dry 

To be a prodigal of fallen time 

Then I 

Would see you tonight 

If I could find the years that went away, 

Destroying all the cruelty of fate, 

I must believe that love could find a way 

Tonight" 

Wondering, 

Thinking, 

Wishing, 

And knowing. 

And smiling, 

Still 

For reality, 

For beauty, 

For hope, 

For love. 

"Looking back, it was worth it all

All the promise and all the pain

No there’s not one thing I would change

Now that it’s gone, all there is to say-

Thanks for taking my breath away"

Looking out for 

Something 

Down the broken road 

Somewhere 

I can't see, 

Yet. 

"We're smiling 

But we're close to tears, 

Even after all these years

We just now got the feeling 

That we're meeting 

For the first time" 

I'm glad animals aren't humans

This goes for all the animal lovers.

Isn't there something very endearing about animals? Pet owners will be able to relate with their pets, wildlife workers to what they are working for and animal lovers in general will agree. There is something so utterly uncomplicated and simple about them that you will not find in people. 

Me? Well. I've never had pets, but I've always wanted to. But I did make do with the strays we usually ignore on the streets. The filthy, diseased, savage, uncivilized creatures. Yeah that's the general conception of more people than you think. Even some people who would otherwise like dogs/animals. Yeah I've mixed around with them, literally bringing up litters of stray puppies; not forgetting the older ones around of course.

Why am I suddenly talking about all this? Because my kid brother and I just had a whole discussion about having a pet and dogs in general. He has wanted one for a while and so have I ever since I've been old enough to make sense of the word "dog". No, I'm not harping or exaggerating. Seriously.

It is just so EASY to love an animal. They expect nothing but a little love and care. And they don't even "expect" expect it. They have an innocence and primitiveness that's so hard to find as you grow up- in yourself and in the people around you. The kind that.. makes you smile for no reason. They are children at heart no matter how much they grow up, and they are your best friends even when they are children.

Now. People? Well, we are the most intelligent and advanced species on the planet, though we may be the young ones taking into account the Earth years. But we're so COMPLICATED! There's emotions, expectations, obligations, grudges, I-can't-explain, it's-complicated, I-can't-do-this-anymore, How-could-you-do-that, love, hate, more-than-love, less-than-hate! And all this is IN ADDITION to all the instincts and needs that we have as creatures. 

Animals? They're simple. And in that simplicity, they aren't devoid of their own pain and feeling and happiness. No, it's not just pets and domesticated animals that I am talking about here. There have been people who have had close relationships with lions and tigers, with dolphins and killer whales, with pandas and bears. About these- they are never exactly advisable or safe because everything said and done, these animals are BASIC. Driven by instinct. And they have a wilder streak than the usual pets. But the fact remains that they are just as capable of bonding.

Now this is something very typical to me and I don't know if it's crazy. :|

There is SOMETHING about me and the non-human species (read, animals). There is something that I feel when I am with a dog, a cat, a rabbit or even a mouse (yeah I've held and played with all of them) that no person has ever been able to give me, and I doubt they will. There is a sense of peace and pure untainted joy and content just lighting up my insides. And I may be distraught over something but when there's an animal to play with, watch, hold or pet, nothing matters. Absolutely nothing.

And this isn't just limited to the usual pets that are there. Animal Planet has always been a favourite. I bet most people haven't even heard of Jeff Corvin, Attenborough. Steve Irwin is still heard of. And taking from them, I've always wanted to interact and know more about the wilder animals. Specially animal behaviour. But let's not get technical here

Here's something even crazier. When I grow up, if I can, I want to have an Asiatic lion, a Bengal tiger, a panda, a cat (who would, preferably, look like Garfield), two big dogs, and white mouse with pink eyes (they DO have pink eyes!). Everyone says I should go live in a zoo and there have been times I have actually considered it. Yeah, OKAY! I get it. You're scandalized. 

All of these are inspired by something.
The Asiatic lion- by this movie I saw- of a couple taking in an injured

cub and take care of it and then release it into the wild. Time passes and one day they go to visit him, wary of the fact that he might attack them. What the lion did was, he reared on two legs and hugged the man, so to say. Yeah I got a lump in my throat.

The Bengal tiger- I remember seeing this on Animal Planet. A man who actually had Bengal tigers and him playing with them and bathing with them. They behaved like playful cats.. only they were huge. But it was so cute!

The panda- They're just so CUDDLY! And they seem so docile and there's something about the way they eat. Sitting up and chewing the leaves. Holding it in their round, furry fists. Don't you just feel like running into their laps and hugging their round, fuzzy tummies?! And yeah I loved Kung fu Panda too.

The two big dogs- Well. I have wanted a dog BADLY and since I have had none of my own.. wait, that's not completely true. The strays I brought up, fed and played with everyday WERE my own. But I want to have my "own" own. And I want two. And two big dogs. And yes I cry at the end of every dog movie. sigh.

The cat- Cause they're so mysterious. And curious. And I am curious too. And I want to prove that cats and dogs aren't necessarily mortal enemies. and Garfield was so AWESOME.

The white mouse- This, one of my relatives had one. Yeah he had pink eyes and he was so beautiful! Like a little white ball with pink eyes and a pink tail. So small that he'd fit into your hand and then he'll play and crawl in your lap and at some uncomfortable places too. But hey you gotta be careful with a pet that small! It ain't really his fault.

Sometimes I really feel that I'd be happier around them animals. But that wouldn't be completely true. Everyone needs a little thinkering once in a while. And for that, sadly, you need HUMANS. you can't run away from your own kind, man.

Eh.. I'd probably just be able to get two dogs at most but there's no harm thinking about it right?

But I'm glad animals aren't people.
Relief.

Thinking Back and Forth

So. It's been a while. Three years or so? Yeah. It's funny I still remember this blog. So I've decided to come back to writing. 'Cause this head needs some dumping and cleaning. 

Life's changed a lot. Looking at the previous posts, I come out to be a sadly emo person. I dunno about that. But life happens. And I'm three years older now. Not to mention, legally an adult. 

Speaking of which, what's the big deal about being eighteen? Sure you can vote and drive and you're an ADULT. Agreed that sounds big and important and grown-up but, what exactly is the whole fuss about? 

You get out of the cage, only to realize a little while later that it was HOME. You meet new people, you're out in the world, and then you realize that you're on your own. You have lesser restrictions and more freedom but then you miss the fussing sometimes. Yeah. I'm talking about moving out and into college. 

College is just starting to become fun. The initial half was so uneventful, it felt mechanical. I thought, hell, is THIS what they go gaga about?” Oh my god, COLLEGE!”? Sorely disappointing. 

But now that I can actually feel and accept the difference between school and college, and the smaller city and the larger one, my past life and the present one.. yeah! I am actually starting to warm up to it. I know more people than I did in the beginning, but I'm closer to even fewer, which actually feels nice. A bunch of crazy, dramatic humans I call friends. And yeah, it's now that I can REALLY mean it when I say we're friends.

In the last six months, there is so much that I have learnt. And about myself, no less. A few observations.

• That i'm really rigid towards change- which isn't convenient, because it's the only constant thing in life.
• That I tend to get too attached without realizing it, be it places, people or just THINGS that have meant something- which means I am bad at letting things go, even though I may have accepted them.
• That I'm clingy.
• That stuff that would usually have hit someone right in the head, hits me slowly and hits me later. Impacting no less though. Which has.. both pros and cons.
• That I miss home. Like a lot. And contrary to most people, I felt homesick after a while (read, a few months) of living here and not immediately. And I still do.
• That I'm not actually as open minded as I thought- and I have some very strong opinions about certain things. Which before college, I thought I didn't. 
• That it's fun (and important) to hang out with friends. :D Not that I didn't before.. but there's just something that's different. And it always turns out to be fun- even if you have ten jobs to do or you are absolutely jobless.
• That you can ALWAYS get better at being a friend, no matter how good you are.
• That you HAVE to let go of things when they are just not meant to stay. No matter how much you believed that they always will. That includes people. It's a very difficult acceptance, but just as important.
• That fear can give you wings, but it can also make you blind. And it’s not very pleasant when you realize you’ve been a fool who thought she was blind just until she opened her eyes.
• That you often take YOURSELF for granted, which is basically not very smart, given that you change with every new thing life shows you.

That I have actually grown in ways small and big.

And that I just made a LIST. a BULLETED one no less. About my thinkies. Yeah that's the stuff I come up with. Sigh.

So. Yeah. That's about it for now. My head feels lighter already.

And I shall try to be regular this time in my posts. No, REALLY. I will.

Down the Deserted Road...

I began to walk down the road less taken, wondering if the cool calm could somehow douse the flames that burned my insides. I felt numb, yet I felt the pain- tearing, clawing at my heart, like a monster; shredding it into a thousand pieces so I couldn’t put it back together.

I wanted to give in, I wanted to retract into an empty shell, and emerge only when I could feel no more.

I kept moving on, yet asking myself if I ever could. I heard something rattle inside, and realized it was my own broken soul.

I wanted to scream, to let someone know I was dying, but my voice, too, had deserted me. Lonesome, I walked on the lonely road; I felt my vision blur. Thinking, this was the end, I welcomed it. Then something wet slid from my eyes to my cheeks. And the illusion of the end was shattered with another wave of anguish.

I collapsed in a heap, and more tears came. My body shook with gasps, I heard more rattling, as though everything inside me was broken, and was screaming to get out of the hell my body now was.

Blurred images flashed before me. Memories I cherished, whisked pass. I tried to hold on to them, afraid to let go, to forget what little I had left. But the monster feasted on my agony, still wanting more.

I lay there, shuddering and gasping until I was truly numb. I felt nothing. I was afraid to move, lest the rattling awoke the slumbering monster.

I wanted to think, but nothing made sense. I lay there unmoving for how long, I know not; maybe it was a few minutes, maybe hours.

My numb brain made me rise. I heard no rattling, but I felt empty. There was still that clawing unease. I felt myself moving forward, now taking in my surroundings- a desolate path, flanked on either side by trees, and at this time of the year, with yellowing leaves. It was then I realized that my pain, or my heart, which I could no longer feel, had brought me to my favourite place.

Another flashback. This time I could see more clearly. It was as though a film played. I saw myself laugh, I saw myself cry, I saw myself fall, and get back up. All the random moments from my life, yet somehow, they all made sense.

I heard a huge rumble and the light dimmed. Alarmed, I looked around, and saw there were clouds overhead. It began to rain. And I stood there, still feeling nothing, feeling empty.

Then came those memories, that I was forbidden to remember, but terrified to forget. They whirred past, yet I could see each one of them clearly. It was as though yesterday... the joy, the laughs, the moments, the feeling of eternity... everything was still fresh in my mind.

I knew pain would return and this numbness wouldn’t last. I knew I had to stop the direction of my thoughts. I did nothing. I played those moments over and over in my head till I was drenched to the skin. I realized I could feel again.

There was the hurt again, but there was also something else, an acceptance. I still wished I could turn back time, but accepted that I couldn’t. I wished things were back the way they were, but accepted that they couldn’t be. I had thought that nothing could go awry, but accepted that I had been wrong.

Through it all, I realized that I would rather suffer than the fact that it had never happened. Feeling the pain could never match the joy I had felt earlier when things were better. It wasn’t going to be easy, to get on with my life; with that large hole inside me, and the fact that thinking even about the happy times would hurt. It would be hellish. But the sheer fact that it had all existed once, had been blissfully real, would be my corner stone.

It was never going to be the same again, that, I knew. But as I saw the rain, felt the drops hitting me, drenching me, I knew that I was not weak. I knew I could get through it all. It would be hard and slow and painful, but I could.

The memories, the moments, the warmth, I would always cherish. Trying to forget them was not what I was going to try to do. I was going to wait for the time when thinking about it wouldn’t hurt any more.

The rain slowed down and the sun peeked from the clouds. Far up ahead the path, were hills. And beyond them was the most beautiful, most heavenly rainbow I had ever seen. It was very faint, but it was there all the same. I sat down, with my back against a tree and watched the rainbow, until the sun was fully out, and it disappeared.

I rose and took one last look at the serene rain washed landscape. Inexplicably, I smiled. And I knew, that nature- the rain, had helped me heal. It had helped me figure things out, things that took people a lot longer to comprehend. It had made me feel. It had made me think. And difficult as it was going to be now, life had to go on, and me, with it.

I turned my back towards my favorite place and took the first step, to go back, to cherish, to move on...

****************************************************************************************
This has to be on e of the weirdest things I've ever come up with. Inspiration... the rain- its simplicity, its charm, its beauty, its magic...

Breathing...

(...INHALE)
I spot you,
Walking down the hallway
With one hand around her,
And the other in your shiny windswept hair;
I feel tears stinging my eyes,
My heart leaps to my throat,
Tearing,
Aching,
Paining,
Hurting.
My throat constricts around the emotions,
That threaten to leap up and out of my lips.
I can feel my tears falling,
My hand trembles as I wipe them away,
Leaving a trail on my cheeks.
The path that awaits
Seems dark,
And lonely.
You see me, you smile.
I smile.
(The muscles around my mouth seem oddly stiff)
You walk towards me.
(She leaves)
You ask me how I am.
(I lie)
I answer that I am fine.
(My heart leaps into my mouth)
I want to tell you that I miss you,
To let you know how much I think of you,
How much you mean to me,
And I still love you.
I feel incomplete,
My heart aches,
My soul bleeds.
I ask you how you are,
(Hoping with every shred of my being, that you will say what I want to hear)
You reply,
Your answer not including,
That you miss me too,
And those moments we spent together,
The sunsets we watched,
The silent evenings spent in each others’ arms.
I gaze at you,
(My eyes attempting to strip you down to your soul)
To the person whom I thought I knew so well.
(They get lost)
And my heart leaps off the edge of my tongue,
Wanting you to see-
How you’ve hurt it,
How you’ve maimed it, how you’ve torn it apart,
Wanting you to feel a tiny bit of its anguish that claws it.
(And it falls to the ground.)
(She calls out to you)
(You glance over to her)
You smile at me, mutter a hasty goodbye,
And trot over to her,
Stamping,
Crushing,
Mutilating,
My poor, vulnerable, fallen heart.
(Not even pausing to scrape it off your shoe,
Like a discarded piece of gum.)
She puts her hand around your waist,
And you around hers,
Not turning back,
Not sparing a backward glance,
You walk away (away from me).
(I want to cry, scream, shout)
I want someone to find my poor heart,
Piece it back together,
Heal it,
Fill the dark, gaping hole your absence has left.
I turn around,
Hoping that one day it won’t hurt
(as much),
And begin to walk away,
Knowing that my shattered heart,
Won’t follow.
(EXHALE...).

After a friend’s suggestion I’ve finally started a blog. But what exactly I put up here is going to be difficult thing, because even though I love to write, it ain’t always brilliant. Nevertheless, I am going to try and make this blog something good if not exceptionally excellent. Till I come up with something worth that, so long!! :)